Vanilla flavored

“I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out
How I can move from the back of the line”

(Emeli Sande-“Clown”)

-So…what did you thought when you saw my gift box with the pink ribbon? What did you imagined inside of it?

Phillipe started to laugh and i could tell from the look in his eyes that he’s happy, relaxed…it felt so good knowing i can make him feel like this, i really can bring these sparks in his eyes…

-Baby…the pink ribbon it’s one thing, but the scent of vanilla is the key here…the box has a strong vanilla flavor…so, i thought…

-Tell me…

-…a cookie, a teddy bear, even a pink underwear, for you to wear, of course…But, not in a million years…of course, i should never forget how surprising you are…Alicia…

I saw a shadow in his eyes and i put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It felt amazing…having him so close to me made me realize how much i want him in my life…forever…

He continued with a tempered tone, like being afraid to say the words.

-Baby, please listen to me…it was amazing…it felt like a dream come true, like fulfilling a need i almost forgot i have. I felt powerful, i felt honored by your trust in me, i felt excited like never before…but i can’t stop asking myself…you did it only for me? You felt somehow constrained, like it is your duty? Because i don’t want you to feel this way…

-Phillipe, i’m going to be very opened about this, to be honest…when i bought the handcuffs i did it only to look at them…i never thought i’ll be brave enough or that i’ll trust you enough…Mon amour, for me it was a shock to find out that the man i’m married with…wishes something different in intimacy, something like bdsm…i felt betrayed, scared, lied, abused…

His eyes were expressing so much regret, it almost melted me inside to see him so sad.

-Alicia, princess…my biggest regret is that i wasn’t honest with you from the start. I should had done it…you needed your freedom to choose. Now i know…

-Hey…don’t be so harsh to yourself…no…you never told me but there were so many signs…i just refused to admit to myself. Or maybe i just dreamed about changing you…it was unfair to you. So, you’re Dominant…so what? I still love you, i still wanna be with you for the rest of my life. The pink handcuffs…i guess they were my way of telling you that i wanna make you happy. That i trust you with my life…i trust you blindly and that i respect your decisions…I’m only afraid…

I stopped for a moment. He took me in his arms, keeping me warm with his body.

-Princess…what are you afraid of? You think i could hurt you…

-I’m afraid i’ll let you down…you see, mon amour…i wanna make you happy, but regardless of how hard i’m trying, i can’t be submissive…is not about intimacy…is about every day…Deep inside of me, there’s a rebel trying to escape…i can’t lock this side of me forever. And i admit…i’m terribly afraid of pain…

-Baby…causing you pain it’s out of discussion…i love every inch of your body…i only want you to feel pleasure from being touched by me…Alicia…how could you think of something like this…no wonder you were so scared every time…

-and i’ll never call you Sir! I can’t, Phillipe…i look at you and i see my lifetime partner, my man, my love…not my master…

-I look at you and i see my princess…the most beautiful woman in the whole world, the love of my life, the mother of my future children…not my sub. See? We’re not that different…And tonight you showed me all i needed to see…why would i ever ask you to call me Sir? And how could I? When i worship the ground you’re stepping on…

I felt my heart filled with a new feeling…hope…trust…He looked in my eyes and started kissing my neck. His eyes were playful.

-So…there’s a rebel who’s trying to escape…a beautiful sexy rebel…you know what i do with them, don’t you?

-Don’t know…throw them to the fire?

-Of course, we can start a fire…if i’ll kiss you here…and then move my attention to this little spot…But when i’m that lucky…to have a rebellious princess in my arms…i usually start by seducing her and then…we’re gonna make love…did i ever told you that…the scent of vanilla drives me wild…pure passion in her sweetest form…

And here’s an option i never took in consideration: having a happy marriage…I was used to fight, used to escape, even if it was in a virtual world once…but i never even thought that I could be happy. I never gave him a single chance, i never gave myself a single chance. Programmed for failure…sett to identify an aggressor in every person who ever got near me…when maybe the real enemy was living deep inside my own mind… 

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No more illusions…(part two)

“All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

The Montcalm Hotel, London

Don’t feel, just think…don’t ever feel anything…you’re frozen, let your mind do the routine and froze everything else…you’re functioning very well, breathing and living even if he’s gone…no…he doesn’t exist…don’t feel…

The hot water relaxed me enough to be calm…i surprised myself with my inability to cry…And all i kept repeating to myself was that i have no more tears. Looking in the mirror i saw a pale shadow…that’s not me anymore…but i still can make it better…my hair falling free on my shoulders, a trace of perfume, the natural colors on my makeup, wearing nothing but his white shirt and a white underwear…Brave enough to go out of the bathroom and show myself in front of him…

And his smile said more than words…

-So, do you like the suite? I asked them the lavender fragrance and red satin sheets…i also requested wild flowers…

-Is amazing…you did all these things for me…i truly appreciate it…i’m a little hungry but there’s no rush if you wanna talk…

-Your wishes are my commands…butter flavored croissant sounds good? With fresh orange juice…a light french breakfast special made for you…and a red rose…please join me to breakfast…

He took my hand and helped me with the chair…I looked at him and wondered about his feelings…

-Now…how do you feel, Alicia? How do you really feel?

-Guilty, stupid, angry at myself…

-Good…Alicia, you broke my heart…not to mention that you costed me a small fortune…but i guess is alright as long as i found you…Don’t say anything now…i know all there is to know…

I looked down…taking his hand and placing it on my cheek…he lifted my chin and continued talking, looking deep into my eyes…

-You know, baby…i understand you…i can’t accept it…but i understand. You thought you found the love of your life…and you ran away with him. So romantic…but you see…people can be so weak and predictable…all he wanted was to save the orphans from Kenya…i gave him enough money to build a school or a church or…anything else…and he took the money. He sold his soul…just to feel in peace with himself…i’m sorry you’re hurting…

-No, Phillipe, not anymore. Is true…i thought i’m in love but he proved to be an idiot and the Light doesn’t exist…The only truth is that humans are selfish, proud and stupid and i’m no exception…

-Alicia, i can buy anything…anyone. Every person has a price, i’m not talking about money…offer them what they think they need…and it’s over…over with love, faith, morality. Too easy…till i found you…you’re the only one i can’t buy, you don’t need anything i can offer…that’s what’s making you priceless…

-How about you, Phillipe?

-Me…i only want one thing. I want you! Not your body…i want you to love me, to adore me, to obey to me…And i’ll do anything to have you. I’ll pay any price…

-You would lie…black mail me…

-I would lie, cheat, fight, kill…yes…i would use anybody and anything, even that child, Robby…I thought i found out what your price is…a child’s life. But i was wrong…i wont say i’m sorry, cause i’m not…i still want you and i’m still willing to do whatever it takes, except for one thing. I’ll never force you again…never. I’ll never hurt you again…i won’t even touch you if you don’t want it…

All this time i finished my breakfast…his words were passing by and all i could think was that people really sell their souls. Where’s my soul, do i still have one…and suddenly i remembered how Mark said i’ll be rewarded for “my sacrifice”…i remembered that dark cold feeling of hate and i felt it again. When i spoke it wasn’t even my voice…

-You are right. You were right all the time and i was blind. The idiot sold his soul…everybody does it! If i had one, i probably sell it too…but my soul died, along with the Light and Love. There’s nothing above us…God never left me because He was never there…So, take me as i am, cause i’m yours. I give myself for free…no price at all…

-Alicia…i’m impressed…

-But i need your help, i need you to teach me…i need a strong man by my side, someone who could lead me. I’m willing to learn, to obey…just be patient with me. Your rules are my rules now. I am yours and i belong to you as long as you’ll want me. I want one thing in return…

-Anything you wish…is yours!

-While i was gone, a few people disrespected me. Servants…you told me to stay away but in my stupidity i thought they are my friends. I want them to be punished…Maria, Annette…i want you to let me deal with them. I want them out of Monaco with nothing but the clothes they’re wearing. And about Helen…a liar…claiming that her own child is dying…Helen will lose everything, especially her rights over the child. I also want a bank account…of course you’ll be in control…and my legal rights over the company…i’ll let the old fool to be in charge but i want full control and the possibility to take action…And i want my engagement ring back and a new set of clothes. I wanna throw away these old junks and change my style…So…what do you say…is it too much?

He looked at me amazed…and then he took out of his pocket something…he took my hand and placed the black diamond ring on my finger…Then he leaned over, taking my face in his hands and kissed me…a hungrily kiss…devouring desire…and i found myself responding to his kiss, eager to feel his body against mine…

-Baby…if we don’t stop now…i wont control myself anymore…and i wanna give you time, so…

-What do you say, Phillipe…will you do what i asked you…

-There’s only one thing i can say: Welcome back, Princess!…

Don’t feel…don’t ever feel…cause feelings destroyed you once. Don’t ask yourself why you can’t cry anymore…don’t wonder where’s the compassion and love you once felt…This is new to you…is cold and dark and there are no Angels in here…