Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…

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Nothing but dust

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love…”

(Leonard Cohen-“Dance me till the End of Love”)

He took me in his arms lifting me slowly and carrying me to the bed…

-Princess…you don’t know how happy you made me showing up to my door. I miss holding you and kissing you…I miss making love to you…

-wait, Phillipe, i have something to say to you…

-later, my beauty…i think i have waited long enough…you’re always with someone else, always too busy or feeling bad…

-Phillipe, i’m here to tell you it’s over. There’s no easy way to do that, but you’ll see in time…i made the right choice.

He looked in my eyes with a calm that gave me cold shivers.

-No, baby, we’re not over. And if it’s about the company, i’ll give it back to you right now. I even thought to buy you something…i know how much you miss the model agency, so i thought i could buy it for you…you know, just to have a hobby till our baby is born..

-What you said now…it’s crazy. And no, i don’t want the company, i don’t want anything. I just want you to let me go. Completely and forever…

-princess…you know that’s not possible. I love you and i want you…you’re just confused. I know what you need…now come back in my arms and let’s make love. You’re mine, remember?

The sadness i was feeling was overwhelming. He didn’t seemed to heard me or to understand me.

-I’m in love with someone else! Do you understand now? I didn’t wanted to be cruel, but i can’t stand to be touched by you. He’s in my mind all the time…i’m sorry i had to tell you…

There was something wild in his eyes, like that night in the castle. He grabbed my hands making me feel helpless…

-Who? Never mind…i don’t believe you. And if it’s true, too bad for you! You’ll learn to love me, because i’m not letting you go, Alicia. One day, you’ll thank me for pushing things like this. You’re acting like a spoiled princess who lost a toy and now she’s angry to the entire world. But you know what? This time it’s not working! Not the tears, not the vulnerable look, not the trembling of your body…nothing! I told you once, but you forgot…i always win. What is it now? You’re afraid…so sweet…

-I’m not afraid, i’m sick to my stomach, Phillipe! Do you even know what love is? Did you ever loved anybody other than yourself? Ok, you can have me, there’s no way i can fight you…we can have sex…but love? No, monsters can’t love. And i don’t care…

-You don’t want your company back?

-No.

-I told you before…you’ll kill your father. This is his life…you take it away from him.

-So, if you care so much about my dad, give him the company. I promised him i’ll do my best in our trip and i’m going to keep my promise. Of course, you’re the boss…maybe you want me to resign right now, i’ll be happy to do it.

-Alicia, don’t…i’m sorry, baby. For everything i said before…i’m like possessed when i’m around you. I don’t know how to control myself anymore. Princess…forgive me. I agree with everything you said and if you want i’ll never touch you again. We’re breaking up if that is your choice. Look, right now i’ll return the company to your dad, ok? Just come with me in this trip…I love you too much and i need just a little more time with you. You realize that you called me “a monster”? And all i did is loving you and protecting you. Alicia, you hurt me so much…

A few weeks ago i said that everything i touch turns into dust. I was wrong. In all this time i was touching dust. Hoping, praying, lying to myself that i found true love. But dust remains dust. Always and forever…